truth.

Hardest of Hearts: Florence and the Machine

There is love in your body but you can’t hold it in
It pours from your eyes and spills from your skin
Tenderest touch leaves the darkest of marks
And the kindest of kisses break the hardest of hearts

The hardest of hearts
The hardest of hearts
The hardest of hearts

There is love in your body but you can’t get it out
It gets stuck in your head, won’t come out of your mouth
Sticks to your tongue and shows on your face
That the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

Darling heart, I loved you from the start
But you’ll never know what a fool I’ve been
Darling heart, I loved you from the start
But that’s no excuse for the state I’m in

The hardest of hearts
The hardest of hearts
The hardest of hearts

There is love in our bodies and it holds us together
But pulls us apart when we’re holding each other
We all want something to hold in the night
We don’t care if it hurts or we’re holding too tight

There is love in your body but you can’t get it out
It gets stuck in your head, won’t come out of your mouth
Sticks to your tongue and it shows on your face
That the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

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a poem for jayne

tough on the outside but filled with a soft golden centre

oozing with love, vision and courage

passion lies in music and creation

connected to my soul

one day i will travel the world with her

free

bold

radiant

cackling from the soul

saluting to the sun.

serenity, the absence of mental stress or anxiety

It’s been so long.

I never though I would hear myself say this, or see myself write this, but i am currently free from anxiety.

serene.

feels like I am being carried.

floating.

such clarity.

acceptance.

moved into my flat last week and have had the most incredible time re-connecting with self. its sounds so new-age and annoying but i don’t care. its my reality.

i think my first post on this blog was about change – at that time i was feeling afraid, but willing to embrace it. now i am over the hill. the fear has gone and now i am in the middle of it.

second week back at work, and wait for it, i am feeling m-o-t-i-v-a-t-e-d. i mean, REALLY. that’s a freaking miracle.

running has never felt better.

even if its in town amidst the bergies and the urine and no longer in green, lush newlands.

my spirit is alive.

alive.

golden.

and instead of worrying about when its going to end, i shall enjoy it for what it is, now.

serenity.

me: a warrior of light

did someone say obsessed?

so, back into my wormy brain i have gone. the past few days since being back at work its like my mind has just switched itself back on. to TORTURE me.

I do recall mentioning before going on leave how i was taking a holiday from my brain. well, my real holiday, and my brain holiday are now both certainly over.

Perhaps i can continue to take leave from my brain. just not sure how. perhaps it was a state of mind. being outdoors. cycling. running. soaking up sun. relaxing. maybe relaxation was a distraction from worry?

ah well, today my worries include:

  • my brother leaving to go back to london = sore heart.
  • best friend leaving again in a month = sore heart.
  • work that i cannot do due to distracted and obsessed brain.
  • the huge elephant in the building that is my ex.

sigh.

another big sigh.

and then i remind myself that there are a lot of people worse off than me. and that in fact i am quite lucky and have fantastic life with so many incredible things, people and qualities to be grateful for ?

and then, the worry returns.

nothing lasts forever.

and that includes happiness, sadness, worry and the elephant.

20 ZEN

i was concerned about my new years eve plans. i had none right up until 11am that morning. i was contemplating a variety of options: stay at home with operated mom; long street party with bff; rooi els with father and stepmother and half sister or cocktail evening with sister katie. Turns out the universe had this AMAZING plan for me to spend it with amy (my soul sister), the setting sun, the rising full moon and a naked headstander on lions head.

What an unbelievably inspiring way to end 2009.

we howled at the moon.

we chanted.

we took photos of  our naked team-member doing headstands on a cliff.

we ate melon and biltong and ostrich burgers.

we talked shit.

we talked sense.

we laughed, a lot.

i climbed the chains, up AND down. impressive shit i tell you.

I feel so emotional just writing this post remebering the whole evening. it feels so surreal. I will treasure it forever.

Here’s to 20 ZEN.

x

p.s the last time i attempted lions head it was a 40 degree day, i hadn’t eaten breakfast and almost puked 5 minutes from the top. i never made it. i waited for my boyfriend at the time, to go to the top while i contemplated vommiting and requesting removal by helicopter before descending to the bottom feeling very sorry for myself.

yay for making it this time.  

oh and please find herewith naked -headstander.