Can’t use ‘soccer balls’? Or word ‘South Africa’?

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partial insomniac

I’ve been having trouble sleeping this week. It happens in weekly cycles. Last week I was sleeping beautifully. This week I am a walking zombie.

When Im tired I am:

angry

grumpy

sad

over emotional

achey

My anxieties manifest in my sleeping patterns. Consciously I know whats bothering me – but these worries come out at night as I cant afford to be worrying all day. The problem here is, whether I’m worrying or a walking zombie – I just cant function. So perhaps I need to be addressing these worries more – consciously.

There is a lot going on – big decisions to make, I have a sickly mother who keeps breaking limps and replacing limbs.  I have other ‘big stuff’ going on that is just too personal to share on here.

One thing I can share is that I have never felt this connected to my truth as I do now. I am no longer running on fear – but on trust.

That is a beautiful beautiful thing. You should try it.

Its called letting go of control.

Freedom.

Liberation.

I can only tackle today, today.

I will drink lots of water. Eat good food. And run up Lions Head after work.

Then, all will be well.

x

not judging, just saying.

I understand its a disease, I know what it feels like to be ‘depressed’. But with me, it never lasts long. And I term it as being ‘sad’ or ‘low’, or just having  bad day really. I am always able to pick myself up and get the fuck on with my life. As ‘awful’ as i may think a situation is sometimes – in reality I have the choice to let that take me down or push me forward.  My life is actually wonderful. its amazing. its beyond my wildest dreams. I can sweat the small stuff, and complain about the shit that pisses me off daily, but the truth is I am blessed. And I know it. And most of the time I am grateful.

If I was a victim of life  — I would be depressed. If I allowed circumstances or situations or other people determine my happiness – I would be depressed. That’s why I am not, because being depressed is easy – you don’t have to do much. Just sit around and complain. Never take responsibility, never take risks. Just sit and rot in a comfort zone.

Gross.

What a gross way to live.

There are two kinds of people I despise in this world and those are

racists

and victims.

Don’t get me wrong I am not happy all the time, and I complain. But I don’t use those times to make excuses for my responsibilities.

I show up. Every day. Despite myself.

This post is a manifestation of a resentment I have. Writing about it will hopefully release its power over me.

In the words of Charlie Brown:

“This is my ‘depressed stance’. When you’re depressed, it makes a big difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.”