Something I have re-discovered over the past few months is my love for music.
Not sure what happened, but it seemed to have gotten lost. Somewhere. So bizarre, because I’m not entirely sure how I lived without it for so long? I was listening to music, I guess, but just not feeling it.
I feel it now. Something inside me wakes up and breathes.
Most recently I have been feeding my ears with The Temper Trap and Florence and the Machine, as well as a little Madcon for the Hip-Hopper in me. Lily Allen and India Arie for the ‘single lady’ in me.
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be on stage. I wanted to sing, and dance and perform. God, it sounds so cliche’d I may even vom, but it is indeed very true. I did drama as a subject at my very prifaaaat all girls school and my love of acting grew. Drama college after school was supposed to lead me to bigger and better worlds of acting and performing but somehow I ended up at ‘The Red and Green School for other people who had just finished ‘degrees’ and had no fucking idea what to do with their lives”.
The Purple and Blue School GUARANTEED jobs. And – their guarantee was flawless.
“But I don’t WANT to be in advertising,” said my inner-child jumping up and down.
But something has happened. da daaaaam. The inner child voice has become LOUDER. and I’m listening, not only to the “You’re not following your dream/passion” mantra.
But other mantra’s like:
“You’re not REALLY happy, it’s all an illusion your fear has created”
“You dont have to own or be anything to be worth something”
“Your physical body is directly linked to your emotional and spiritual state”
“Other peoples opinions of you are none of your business anyway”
“You cannot drink alcohol or do drugs: you are allergic”
“Why smoke, when you can live?”
“You don’t have to turn out like your parents – you have a choice”
“Running is life”
And many other life altering new scripts I have going on in my little obsessed brain.
(Please note this does not mean I listen to them all the time – in an ideal world I would, but this is NOT an ideal world. I have horrible scripts too that I try really hard to take no notice of but at times I cant help it.)
I am happy here.
I am not resentful for going to advertising school – I have nothing against the Mauve and Silver School.
I just know I don’t belong here.
And that’s ok, I guess?
Something to think about….
Or obsess about.
I get to decide … And isn’t that just marvelous!??! No-one is in control of my life and my choices, other than ME.