not judging, just saying.

I understand its a disease, I know what it feels like to be ‘depressed’. But with me, it never lasts long. And I term it as being ‘sad’ or ‘low’, or just having  bad day really. I am always able to pick myself up and get the fuck on with my life. As ‘awful’ as i may think a situation is sometimes – in reality I have the choice to let that take me down or push me forward.  My life is actually wonderful. its amazing. its beyond my wildest dreams. I can sweat the small stuff, and complain about the shit that pisses me off daily, but the truth is I am blessed. And I know it. And most of the time I am grateful.

If I was a victim of life  — I would be depressed. If I allowed circumstances or situations or other people determine my happiness – I would be depressed. That’s why I am not, because being depressed is easy – you don’t have to do much. Just sit around and complain. Never take responsibility, never take risks. Just sit and rot in a comfort zone.

Gross.

What a gross way to live.

There are two kinds of people I despise in this world and those are

racists

and victims.

Don’t get me wrong I am not happy all the time, and I complain. But I don’t use those times to make excuses for my responsibilities.

I show up. Every day. Despite myself.

This post is a manifestation of a resentment I have. Writing about it will hopefully release its power over me.

In the words of Charlie Brown:

“This is my ‘depressed stance’. When you’re depressed, it makes a big difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.”


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Destiny.Inner-child stuff.

Something I have re-discovered over the past few months is my love for music.

Not sure what happened, but it seemed to have gotten lost. Somewhere. So bizarre, because I’m not entirely sure how I lived without it for so long? I was listening to music, I guess, but just not feeling it.

I feel it now. Something inside me wakes up and breathes.

Most recently I have been feeding my ears with The Temper Trap and Florence and the Machine, as well as a little Madcon for the Hip-Hopper in me. Lily Allen and India Arie for the ‘single lady’  in me.

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be on stage. I wanted to sing, and dance and perform. God, it sounds so cliche’d I may even vom, but it is indeed very true. I did drama as a subject at my very prifaaaat all girls school and my love of acting grew. Drama college after school was supposed to lead me to bigger and better worlds of acting and performing but somehow I ended up at ‘The Red and Green  School for other people who had just finished ‘degrees’ and had no fucking idea what to do with their lives”.

my inner child. hurt and and neglected.

The Purple and Blue School GUARANTEED jobs. And – their guarantee was flawless.

“But I don’t WANT to be in advertising,” said my inner-child jumping up and down.

Didn’t listen.

Never did.

But something has happened. da daaaaam. The inner child voice has become LOUDER. and I’m listening, not only to the “You’re not following your dream/passion” mantra.

But other mantra’s like:

“You’re not REALLY happy, it’s all an illusion your fear has created”

“You dont have to own or be anything to be worth something”

“Your physical body is directly linked to your emotional and spiritual state”

“Other peoples opinions of you are none of your business anyway”

“You cannot drink alcohol or do drugs: you are allergic”

“Why smoke, when you can live?”

“You don’t have to turn out like your parents – you have a choice”

“Running is life”

And many other life altering new scripts I have going on in my little obsessed brain.

(Please note this does not mean I listen to them all the time – in an ideal world I would, but this is NOT an ideal world. I have horrible scripts too that I try really hard to take no notice of but at times I cant help it.)

I am happy here.

I am not resentful for going to advertising school – I have nothing against the Mauve and Silver School.

I just know I don’t belong here.

And that’s ok, I guess?

Something to think about….

Or obsess about.

I get to decide … And isn’t that just marvelous!??! No-one is in control of my life and my choices, other than ME.

RAD.

did someone say obsessed?

so, back into my wormy brain i have gone. the past few days since being back at work its like my mind has just switched itself back on. to TORTURE me.

I do recall mentioning before going on leave how i was taking a holiday from my brain. well, my real holiday, and my brain holiday are now both certainly over.

Perhaps i can continue to take leave from my brain. just not sure how. perhaps it was a state of mind. being outdoors. cycling. running. soaking up sun. relaxing. maybe relaxation was a distraction from worry?

ah well, today my worries include:

  • my brother leaving to go back to london = sore heart.
  • best friend leaving again in a month = sore heart.
  • work that i cannot do due to distracted and obsessed brain.
  • the huge elephant in the building that is my ex.

sigh.

another big sigh.

and then i remind myself that there are a lot of people worse off than me. and that in fact i am quite lucky and have fantastic life with so many incredible things, people and qualities to be grateful for ?

and then, the worry returns.

nothing lasts forever.

and that includes happiness, sadness, worry and the elephant.

surrender.

Brothers and Sisters was disappointing my friends! average.  i must say though – i’m very happy that justin and rebecca have broken up. no romance please. not yet.

speaking of romance – went to watch ‘couples retreat’ with my sister earlier this week. didn’t look romantic. bunch of unhappy couples go to an island to try and ‘save their marriage’ ? pffftf. like, WHATEVER. we all know, couples therapy doesn’t work.

but ALAS, they ALL stayed together and lived happily ever after. i said, no romance please.

But what did i expect, i mean REALLY. a Hollywood flick like that, was not going to end in sadness. It was funny, but totally retarded and brainless. great for escapism.

I decided yesterday that from today(thats me, always thinking of tomorrow!) i will be taking a holiday from my brain. i will stop trying to be perfect and happy. and just be.  no analysing. no obsessing. no planning. i will let go of the ‘planner’ in me and surrender to the universe.

AMEN.

p.s im going out tonight.