The Four Phases of a healthier type of addiction

Just like peanut butter, and tattoos, for me series-watching comes in phases.

Phase 1 = discovery ie. the day I found crunchy organic peanut butter at Woollies and ate it on toasted rye bread and almost died/had a baby/went to heaven.

Phase 2 = enjoyment of discovery ie. After discovering tattoo-ing and deciding to get one at a poignant time in my life, I floated around in a tattoo bubble, looking at it constantly, feeling wonderful, watching LA and Miami ink – engaging in everything ‘tattoo’.

Phase 3 = Once a series/peanut butter nuttella combo/tattoo experience is discovered, and enjoyed and finished. One starts to think about taking a break. Maybe not consciously, maybe consciously (in my case with peanut butter I sometimes need to throw it away to reach this point so I don’t become obese) And then consider something else, maybe start reading a good book/ running more/ move to an inadequate equivalent to peanut butter, like cheese or marmite/ dye my hair instead of getting another permanent mark on my body.

And then…

Phase 4 = withdrawal kicks in. ie. “its been almost 2 weeks since I have had peanut butter/watched a series non-stop for 24 hours…l think its time” ( tattoos may differ here in time frame, after having mine done in August last year, only now am I starting to really withdraw)

On the weekend, after about a ten day break from series-watching ( New Girls, which was fabulous) I engaged with Homeland. HOMELAND for me was one of those ‘must watch next episode now or wont sleep kind of series’ – a similar experience to Lost and Dexter.

I started watching on Saturday and finished at 12 last night. Its amazing and not the American War Hero type drama you think its going to be when you start watching.

Then, @Stellllaaaaaaaa put season one of ‘Girls’ in my Drop Box. Looks like there wont be a phase 3 this time…

But, I am winning in the peanut butter arena. I threw away my last tub about 3 weeks ago (this is very long for me) Withdrawl started kicking in last week, so I am happy to announce I have a tub in my bag ready to take home with me after work! Wonderful!

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YES, VERY NORMAL, I KNOW.

If I am totally alone here, I don’t really care, because after 28 years I actually enjoying being weird me 🙂

Happy series-wathing/peanut butter-eating/tattoo-ing!

Found:Real Vida served by Real Saffa Barista.

finally found an authentic Vida store in London. The one in Regent Street moved; the Oxford Street store is no longer there, so made a mission to Goodge street, near Tottenham Court Road, on Sunday and there she was. I almost cried (leave the most beautiful country you call home, South Africa, and you will also cry when you see a Vida)

I made love to the sign.

I had a double mucho cappuccino.

It was delightful.

letting go.

It’s so underrated.

I think, because it is impossible to articulate in words.

It’s almost impossible to explain or encourage someone to let go. Or tell a story about how you let go and what it did for you and your life/sanity/happiness.

I have a story about letting go.

I had a crappy ‘trying to control everything’ week, about two weeks ago.Yes, beginning of August.

I was dying. Well, ok, it felt like I was dying. So much pain. And so irritatingly unnecessary. But also necessary to the letting go part. Its the whole ‘from pain comes growth’ etc etc . blah blah.

When I try to extert too much control over people or circumstances in my life –  its like im poking my finger in the machine that is my entire life. And literally fucking up the whole process while I’m at it.  If I was to actually poke my finger into a machine – firstly it would chop my finger off – which explains the pain – and secondly it would slow everything down and mess with the general functionality of the machine.

OH THE METAPHORS. i. am. so. clever.

We need to put in effort. Put in action everyday towards our dreams/goals/plans, but when we try to exert too much power, it fucks out. and it hurts.

So I went through this. I kind of knew what I was doing. But eventually, I surrendered. and suddenly everything fell into place. All the outcomes I was trying to desperately to make happen, obsessivley and relentlessly, unfolded… only when I let go.

And I felt free.

Relieved.

Content.

In the present.

Peaceful.

Accepting.

All those serene emotions we all wish we felt all the time – I was  overcome with them.

After all these beautiful amazing events unfolded I was like… what happened? Oh, shit, I let go.

It’s always, after the fact.

And we can never force it.

It just happens.

and the trick is to be aware of the control and accept and how pointless it is.

Then, comes surrender.

And finally, serenity.

I hold onto that now, today. I hold it gently and appreciate the gift of awareness.

I have it.

God, its wonderful.

Like spooning.

Destiny.Inner-child stuff.

Something I have re-discovered over the past few months is my love for music.

Not sure what happened, but it seemed to have gotten lost. Somewhere. So bizarre, because I’m not entirely sure how I lived without it for so long? I was listening to music, I guess, but just not feeling it.

I feel it now. Something inside me wakes up and breathes.

Most recently I have been feeding my ears with The Temper Trap and Florence and the Machine, as well as a little Madcon for the Hip-Hopper in me. Lily Allen and India Arie for the ‘single lady’  in me.

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be on stage. I wanted to sing, and dance and perform. God, it sounds so cliche’d I may even vom, but it is indeed very true. I did drama as a subject at my very prifaaaat all girls school and my love of acting grew. Drama college after school was supposed to lead me to bigger and better worlds of acting and performing but somehow I ended up at ‘The Red and Green  School for other people who had just finished ‘degrees’ and had no fucking idea what to do with their lives”.

my inner child. hurt and and neglected.

The Purple and Blue School GUARANTEED jobs. And – their guarantee was flawless.

“But I don’t WANT to be in advertising,” said my inner-child jumping up and down.

Didn’t listen.

Never did.

But something has happened. da daaaaam. The inner child voice has become LOUDER. and I’m listening, not only to the “You’re not following your dream/passion” mantra.

But other mantra’s like:

“You’re not REALLY happy, it’s all an illusion your fear has created”

“You dont have to own or be anything to be worth something”

“Your physical body is directly linked to your emotional and spiritual state”

“Other peoples opinions of you are none of your business anyway”

“You cannot drink alcohol or do drugs: you are allergic”

“Why smoke, when you can live?”

“You don’t have to turn out like your parents – you have a choice”

“Running is life”

And many other life altering new scripts I have going on in my little obsessed brain.

(Please note this does not mean I listen to them all the time – in an ideal world I would, but this is NOT an ideal world. I have horrible scripts too that I try really hard to take no notice of but at times I cant help it.)

I am happy here.

I am not resentful for going to advertising school – I have nothing against the Mauve and Silver School.

I just know I don’t belong here.

And that’s ok, I guess?

Something to think about….

Or obsess about.

I get to decide … And isn’t that just marvelous!??! No-one is in control of my life and my choices, other than ME.

RAD.

did someone say obsessed?

so, back into my wormy brain i have gone. the past few days since being back at work its like my mind has just switched itself back on. to TORTURE me.

I do recall mentioning before going on leave how i was taking a holiday from my brain. well, my real holiday, and my brain holiday are now both certainly over.

Perhaps i can continue to take leave from my brain. just not sure how. perhaps it was a state of mind. being outdoors. cycling. running. soaking up sun. relaxing. maybe relaxation was a distraction from worry?

ah well, today my worries include:

  • my brother leaving to go back to london = sore heart.
  • best friend leaving again in a month = sore heart.
  • work that i cannot do due to distracted and obsessed brain.
  • the huge elephant in the building that is my ex.

sigh.

another big sigh.

and then i remind myself that there are a lot of people worse off than me. and that in fact i am quite lucky and have fantastic life with so many incredible things, people and qualities to be grateful for ?

and then, the worry returns.

nothing lasts forever.

and that includes happiness, sadness, worry and the elephant.

surrender.

Brothers and Sisters was disappointing my friends! average.  i must say though – i’m very happy that justin and rebecca have broken up. no romance please. not yet.

speaking of romance – went to watch ‘couples retreat’ with my sister earlier this week. didn’t look romantic. bunch of unhappy couples go to an island to try and ‘save their marriage’ ? pffftf. like, WHATEVER. we all know, couples therapy doesn’t work.

but ALAS, they ALL stayed together and lived happily ever after. i said, no romance please.

But what did i expect, i mean REALLY. a Hollywood flick like that, was not going to end in sadness. It was funny, but totally retarded and brainless. great for escapism.

I decided yesterday that from today(thats me, always thinking of tomorrow!) i will be taking a holiday from my brain. i will stop trying to be perfect and happy. and just be.  no analysing. no obsessing. no planning. i will let go of the ‘planner’ in me and surrender to the universe.

AMEN.

p.s im going out tonight.